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Aug. 14th, 2010

Next Summer

After Jason left, I cleaned the house.  Sorted papers into file piles and shred piles.  Researched the best cleaning methods for the new pots and pans.  Then, I heard something stirring in the backyard.  Assuming it was one of the friendly orange tabby cats that wander about the neighborhood, I opened the screen door and meowed.  Then, I caught sight of the antlers.

Mr. Deer isn't the first strange creature that has found its way into our yard, but he's certainly the biggest.  A year and a half ago, I turned on the porch light to find two raccoons taunting Miss Moo through the glass, and in spring I came home from work to find a stray hen pacing back and forth on our stone path.  Mr. Deer was harmless, really.  Just unexpected.  The gates were closed, so I guess he's just been hopping fences.

After he left, I straightened up the backyard.  Mr. Deer had knocked over two of the benches, and we had forgotten to finish clean up after grilling salmon this evening.  It seems that the friendly neighborhood cats ate my catnip plant, but my mint is thriving and my hydrangea plant has sprouted the most adorable little blooms.

The sky was orange and the air smelled of figs and leaves and for a moment I felt a twinge of regret.  I've been in Ashland for three years and I've always had an excuse for not taking the time to enjoy our little yard.  I was too depressed in 2007, too sick in 2008, too frazzled in 2009, and this year I've been working and planning the wedding.  Next year.  As soon as the last frost is behind us, I'm going to paint and plant and weed and breathe it all in. 

One more month.  Then, we'll have weekends.  At least one day off together per week.  Coffee with biscotti.  Books, sunshine, lazy afternoons, and our tiny backyard. 

And I will try my very best not to take a single moment for granted.

Feb. 10th, 2010

(no subject)

I find that I'm much more comfortable with the impromptu, spur-of-the moment trips a little more than the carefully drawn out holiday visits.  Since this trip was fairly last minute, I wasn't able to overthink the schedule and I found it a little easier to relax.

I had a lovely evening with Lillers last  night.  Sometimes, just the physical presence of a friend can help with clarity.  I hadn't been able to pinpoint what had been bothering me as of late, but as soon as I was adequately champagned and sitting across from one of my dearest friends in the world, I got a little weepy because I felt like I understood the situation a little better.  She didn't even have to say anything, though much was said.  The voices of the alternate selves, dom-sub sexual dynamics, fight or flight, parental influence, autism, kink and everything else can be all be discussed over the phone, but it's so much more effective in person.

I'm in a funk.  I'm not too concerned about the funk, because it's pretty much self-induced.  I need this funk.  It's great that I've learned to be happy in the present, but I need to learn how to come to terms with the past.  Over the past few years, I've mended a lot of the broken relationships, and now I'm stuck with the hardest task of all.  I need to come to terms with all this residual self-hatred and doubt. 

I separate my relationships into two distinct groups: people I met when I couldn't stand myself and people I met after I became somewhat comfortable in my own skin.  My feelings toward the first group tend to be fairly intense, regardless of whether I actually have an active relationship with the person.  However, my relationships with individuals in the latter group tend to be relaxed, casual, and what I'd consider to be "normal."  I don't think I've ever harbored substantial feelings of resentment toward anyone I've met in the last five years.  Sure, I may get annoyed or even furious with a person from time to time, but those feelings never hold a candle to the intensity of the emotions I feel toward the first group.

Really, the best word to describe it is obsessive.  I frequently obsess over individuals from my distant past.  I pick apart the meaning of every status update, I criticize their every move, I take pleasure in their shortcomings and (shamefully) mourn their successes.  I haven't spoken to many of these people in years, but I still cling to every morsel of information about their lives that I can find like it's some sort of treasure.

I've tried to deal with this in different ways.  The most recent has been consciously putting myself in a situation where I'm forced to look that person in the eye and reacquaint myself with the individual as a person rather than just an infuriating social networking profile.  This practice in particular has really helped me find the root of the problem.  At the end of the reunion, I will realize that "so-and so isn't so bad" and that I'm actually happy for them.  At that point, all that's left is the raw self-hatred.  The jealousy.  The feelings of failure.  

I'm not over it.  I love who I've become, but I still have very intense, very present feeling of self-hatred.  Not for who I am, but for who I was and who I am in relation to who I was.  I don't hate people, I hate what I assume is their perceptions of who I am.  I hate that they see the whole picture.  I hate that they've seen me at my worst, but I never got the chance to show them Liz 2.0.  It's not that I want to boast, because I don't think that Liz 2.0 is anything worth boasting about.  It's just that I want to say, "That wasn't me.  That was a very rough draft of a work in process."

Meeting the "villains" in person made me realize that it isn't the individual themselves that I'm obsessing over.  I'm preoccupied with the made up voices in my head.  That sounds way crazier than it actually is, but I'm not really sure how else to describe it.  Anyway, I need to figure out a better way of dealing with my insecurities or I'm going to end up jaded and bitter.

More on this later.  I'm going to finish chatting with Travis before heading to bed.

Mar. 17th, 2008

Girls Only: The First Dance?

So, after looking high and low for a dance competition version of "Cuban Pete," I found this lovely rendition.  I think all the tossing around can be rechoreographed into something a little more basic and it can be made a little less raunchy, but just seeing it made me want to squeal with excitement.

I have to show Jason tonight.

Feb. 27th, 2008

For Future Reference

the lesson of the moth

By Don Marquis, in "archy and mehitabel," 1927

i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself


Feb. 22nd, 2008

Girls Only: Ridiculous Wedding Fantasy #42

I was feeling a little down yesterday.  In general, I've been feeling pretty happy lately, aside from feeling a little lonely, but yesterday, I just couldn't get over these feelings of self-hatred. 

I'm grinning right now, though.  I drove to work, listening to "Born To Hand Jive," and it made my morning.  I had this silly little fantasy about playing it my wedding and holding a mad crazy dance contest.

I'm glad the strike is over.  It makes the weekly program changes a little easier.  

I should really take my vitamin C tablets everyday.  I can't afford to catch the cold/flu thing that's going around.

I feel like there's so much to say, but I can't put it into words...

Feb. 13th, 2008

Girls Only: Save-The-Dates

I've been doodling all day.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to make the following Save-The-Date cards

I showed them to Lily last night.  I'm a fairly skilled doodler and these are just too freaking cute to resist.  I actually prefer them in black and white with just a tiny smidge of color.  The maps of Napa and Rome on the website are my favorite.

This could be fun. 

Dec. 14th, 2007

The Part-Time Employee Stands Alone

Donna, the department head, is on vacation today.   In fact, she's vacationing in Coos Bay, of all places.
Shauna, the other employee in the department, came down with a nasty stomach flu.

I arrived at eight and helped Shauna with inventory separation and filling the logs for a couple of hours.  Then, she headed home to hide under some blankets.  Poor thing.

Anyway, I'm here.  All alone.  The department is empty, except for me in my festive little cubicle.  It's painfully quiet.  I keep overhearing awkward conversations from the news department.  Perhaps I should put on some music or something.

Edited To Add: If Bob from the production department doesn't stop watching Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" on YouTube, I'm going to punch him in the face.  What business does a forty-year-old man have with that song, anyway?

Dec. 10th, 2007

"Don't Let It Go Away. This Feeling Has Got To Stay"

Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Ow. 

And let it be known, I feel ridiculous singing along to "Simple Kind Of Life" by No Doubt.  Which is a shame.  I like that song.

Dec. 6th, 2007

Sex and the City Trailer

Hello, lover.

Dec. 2nd, 2007

(no subject)

Maybe, Liz, if you weren't so self-absorbed and selfish, you wouldn't hate yourself so much.
Get over it.  Stop comparing yourself to others.  Learn to live your own life and be satisfied with it.

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